that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
