This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
