Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
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