chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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