So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Randomize
