I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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