dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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