chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
