i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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