"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
