Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
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