I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Randomize