I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Randomize
