This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
