His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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