well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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