Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I'm always down for nudity.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
