ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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