my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
