I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
