I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
