I met the friendliest cop last night
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
