Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
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