I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Randomize
