i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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