Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
