The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
