We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
