Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
