Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
