I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
