I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
