2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
