is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
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