Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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