if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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