someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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