The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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