And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
