my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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