I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
