Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
