seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
