Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
