Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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