I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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