I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Randomize
