Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
