you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
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