Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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